I was asked the other day: “has it been one of those days?” and well I thought about it for a second or was it more like a minute? Either or, I thought about it and gave a response as quick as I could, “No, it hasn’t been one of those days…but it has definitely been a day.”
The day was mothers’ day, and it all started with a reoccurring dream that I have been having. A dream in which has haunted me for quite some time, so therefore it doesn’t make it much of a dream then does it? It’s more along the lines of a nightmare.
In case I need to catch you up, in college I married my high school sweet heart Angie. When we were engaged she had found out that she was pregnant. Now you would think being the loving man that I am I’d stop cheating on her with a girl named Katie who lived just down the hall. But alas it wasn’t to be true. We did get married and Angie did have the child, the name was Alex from what I’ve been told. I however was long gone from this marriage, not even lasting long enough to see my own son born.
Now to say that I haven’t been a good father would be an understatement. Ace Marshall has that credit, with me? I’m technically only a father by blood and DNA. The fact that I have never met my own offspring is something that isn’t very becoming of a father one would say. But back to these nightmares…they’ve been happening more and more recently…ever since, well…ever since Katie killed herself a while back, which makes sense I suppose as it could bring back repressed memories.
So be prepared to enter the psyche of the one and only, Shawn Winters.
I find myself in an amusement park…only recently has Miranda been with me. We are holding hands walking past a fun house in which a giant clown stands in front of with a face…a face in which is wide eyed and smiling seemingly right at me. The clown then speaks to me as if I’m the only one in the entire park.
Clown – Right this way…step into the house and discover your true being!
Sunday May 10th, 2009 – Mothers Day
We kept on walking much to Miranda’s chagrin but I had no appreciation to find out my true being. I knew who I was, I was Shawn Winters the SCW World Champion…what’s more to know? We kept walking going past each stand with it’s own personality attached to it. Only to get our attention caught by a very young boy screaming out for his mommy. The buy had a balloon in one hand and a snow cone in the other all while a tear is falling down his eye. This young boy who couldn’t be older then five or six was obviously lost in a sea full of people with his mother to be no where in sight. Before I could say anything Miranda had already rushed to the young boys side.
Miranda – Are you lost little boy?
Boy – (sniff) Yes….(sniff) I was squirting the water gun into a horse’s mouth making them go faster and….(sniff) and I turned around and my mom isn’t there anymore! I can’t find her ANYWHERE!
Tears start flowing down the young boys face as Miranda hugs him pressing him against her shoulder trying to comfort him.
Miranda – Oh don’t you worry little boy, me and my boyfriend here are going to help you find your mother. What’s your name?
Boy – My name is Alex.
Miranda – Well my name is Miranda and this right here beside me is Shawn.
Boy – (sniff) My dad’s name is Shawn…he left me too.
The tears are now like waterfalls. “What would it take for this kid to just shut the hell up? Well it looks as though a third wheel has been attached to this bike.” I had thought to myself. Miranda took the young boy by the hand escorting him around. Once again we are back in front of the fun house and this time the clown decides to rest his arm on my shoulder. I reluctantly look him in his crazed little eyes as his smile widens inch by inch. He then licks his lips and begins to whisper in my ear.
Clown – I’ll tell you where the boys mother is if you agree to step into the fun house.
The clown then lets out a freakish laugh. Just as I reluctantly agree to see what the hell this clown is up to fog covers the ground of the amusement park and day has turned to dark and night. A blonde woman comes rushing through the fog and grabs onto the young boy. She lifts him up and hugs him with all of her might. She turns around to thank Miranda and I get a glimpse of her face……no….it can’t be. That woman….that mother, it’s….it’s Angie….so….that child, Alex…he’s my….Before I could even finish my thought everything went black and I was now in a very large room filled with mirrors. I then begin to hear voices.
“Why did you leave me?”
I look around at all of these mirrors seemingly getting a glimpse of something passing through them to the next. The voices then repeat.
“Why did you leave me?”
This time I hear crying. “What is going on?” I thought to myself, only for the voices to rapidly repeat themselves.
“Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me?”
I then look directly into a mirror and see my first ex-wife Angie. “Why did you leave me Shawn?” She says. My head is shaking trying to get out of this hell hole. The next mirror shows young little Alex. “Why did you leave me Daddy? Did you not want me?” He said. I’m done with this place I thought as I tried to run but there is no where to go. The next mirror shows my second ex-wife Nora. “Why did you leave me Shawn? Why did you leave me pregnant with no where to go?” She said. “No, no…she got an abortion after I divorced her ass. This can’t be happening.” I thought. Then another mirror just happens to be staring at me. “No….please no.” “Why did you leave me Shawn?” The voice says as a woman is hanging in the mirror with a neck so contorted it’s sickening. It was Katie. “Why did you leave me Shawn?” She said once again. “STOP THIS!!!!”
I fall to my knee’s covering my eyes just wanting this to be over. “The voices….they’ve stopped. It must be over.” I thought. I stand up and open my eyes to see the clown standing in front of me, he tilts his head slowly sideways keeping eye contact with me. “What do you want from me?!” I shouted. The clown smirks and gives a reply: “For you to suffer just like me.”
No, this has to be a nightmare. But it feels so real…somebody must wake me up! “What did I ever do to you?!” I shouted back at the clown. The clown in all of his frustration grabs me by the throat and slams me against the wall lifting my feet off the ground chocking me. “What HAVEN’T you done to me?!” He replied. He then begins to wipe his face free of the make up revealing some disgusting scars. “Oh don’t tell me that you don’t recognize your own son! HA HA HA HA HA!” The laughter echoes through my ears.
And I wake up.
Miranda – Shawn! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare! Shawn!
9 Years Ago – University of Louisville
* Miranda is shaking Shawn relentlessly trying to get him to awake from his slumber to successfully do so as Shawn springs up in a cold sweat panting and gasping for his breath. *
Miranda – Babe, are you ok?!
* Shawn takes a drink of water sitting at his bedside. He takes a few deep breaths and then takes a look at Miranda. *
Shawn – Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.
Miranda – Are you sure? Because you were screaming in your sleep a second ago…
Shawn – No…I’m fine. I’m fine.
Miranda – Well if you’re fine then you wouldn’t have a problem explaining to me who the hell this Angie person is?!
Shawn – Huh?
Miranda – You kept saying her name in your sleep Shawn! Who the hell is she?! Is she some new whore of yours?! You think you can just cheat on me…
* Shawn covers Miranda’s mouth and holds her down against the bed. *
Shawn – Miranda….shut….up!
* Shawn takes his hand off of her mouth. *
Shawn – I’m going to jump in the shower.
Miranda – But-
* Shawn gets up out of his bed and makes his way towards the bathroom. He closes the door behind him and leans against the sink and looks at himself in the mirror. *
Shawn – God damn it…if I could just figure out the meanings behind these nightmares. You can imagine my shock and aw in the fact that I’m dreaming about a child that I have never met, nor have I ever had any intention on meeting. Maybe my own subconscious is trying to tell me that I’m not better then Christian Savior is at everything like I think that I am. I mean, I guess you could say that the guy has me beat hands down as a father and a husband, but it’s got to end there right? It’s amazing how a little tiny thing like a dream can quite possibly change the outcome of ones thinking. I mean, not even I can pick my own brain but it’s possible that if I begin to search for things that Christian Savior is better then me as maybe, just maybe it’ll lead to him being better then me on more then the obvious things. God, I can’t let myself think in such a way it’s atrocious! Shawn Winters CAN’T doubt himself in any way. These dreams, they’re just because Katie killed herself and it’s bringing back repressed memories. I mean it was Katie who I was cheating on Angie with so that solves that problem…and she was pregnant when I was cheating. Maybe guilt is rearing it’s ugly head and finally looking me in the eyes. Maybe that guilt wants me to suffer like Alex does in my dream, that’s got to be it. I’ve never gotten that far in my dream before. Never actually gotten to the clown at the end, I’ve always woken up. Now, with Breakdown just around the corner and Christian Savior about to challenge me for my Championship this shit has to be brought down on me?
Why does this guilt have to come at me right now? Why couldn’t it come at me in a week or maybe in a month? Why does it have to show itself to me now? It’s got to be because it wants me to suffer. Then again…maybe it’s just challenging me. Challenging me more then Christian Savior ever could. Then again…what if it’s actually challenging me to be a better man? God knows how I’ve had some of those revelations in my life and all they’ve done for me is land me in the hospital which with the way my back has been acting up I’d rather like to avoid that.
* Shawn splashes some water in his face and looks back up into the mirror. *
Miranda – Shawn who are you talking to in there?!
* Shawn sighs as he hears Miranda yelling at him from the bed. *
Shawn – I’m talking to my other fucking girlfriend who the fuck do you think?!
Jesus Christ Shawn, snap the fuck out of it! You’re Shawn fucking Winters and the moment you have any doubts about who you are or what is going on everything goes south! I’m not going to question myself because in doing so I’d be questioning my abilities and my abilities and my talent has already been proven better then Christian Savior. But I must thank the lord or whoever the hell is up there that these are the worst of my problems. I mean just look at the family at which I’m facing? They’ve got more problems then a catholic church hosting a first communion. You’ve got Jason Wheeler and his liter box and you’ve got Christian Savior whose doing his best to out queer his own brother which I must admit is a feet in itself. Come to think of it, forget what I said before about Christian being a better father then I am…because I’d much rather have a non existent relationship with my father then be turned into a foaming at the mouth homo because my father likes to pretend he’s other people…or wait…or is that Jason Wheeler? For some reason I’m beginning to think that it’s them both.
I mean if you look at it, you’ve got these “tendencies” of Christian Savior to do these off the wall antics and yet it’s all to keep hidden the fact that him and his brother Jason Wheeler are in fact little incest babies! I mean come on! It only makes the utmost of sense! You’ve got the two of them trying to out do each other in everything that they do! I wouldn’t be surprised if Christian gave Jason Wheeler a turn at Rose to see if he could fuck her better. But then again that would go against my theory of her pregnancy only being because of artificial insemination. Hmmm….I mean how else could she have gotten pregnant once, let alone twice?
The sad thing is even after Tactical Warfare I feel as though I still somehow failed…I failed in my attempt to make sure that The Infection was no more and that Christian Savior would in no way be able to make himself physically present on Breakdown but alas there they were on Breakdown and there they were still believing that they were the best. Jesus, you’d think they’d get sick and tired of being wrong all the time don’t you think?
* Right then a giant thud is heard against the door followed by an “OW OW OW!” Shawn opens the door to see Miranda sitting on the floor holding her shoulder. *
Shawn – What the fuck are you doing?!
Miranda – You said you were talking to your other girlfriend in there! When I found out that you locked the door it had me worried!
Shawn – Does USC even try to teach its students anything?
Miranda – Hey! I’ve learned a lot from USC!
Shawn – Oh?
Miranda – Yeah, the USC Football team taught me how to ride a train or something like that.
Shawn – I….(sigh) the USC Football team rode the train on you?
Miranda – Oh no, not me. I was part of the train, it was my roommate that was ridden…I don’t get why they call it that though.
Shawn – Miranda….just please, do me a favor and just leave me alone right now ok?
Miranda – But, babe…I just want to see you.
Shawn – Fine, here.
* Shawn grabs a picture off of his wall of him winning the SCW Championship for the first time and hands it to her. *
Shawn – Just stare at that…or take a mental picture of my ass as I’m walking away.
* Shawn makes his way out of the bedroom and down his flight of stairs. He then turns to his side and he looks at a picture frame on the wall. He is nearly taken back by it. Shawn then grabs the frame off of the wall to reveal it to be Katie’s suicide note that Shawn had framed out of pride. *
Shawn – God damn it…how the hell did all of this come back to haunt me?
* Shawn is sprawled out on a couch flipping through some channels on television in his dorm room at Louisville. His roommate and long time friend Tread is sitting in a chair with his girlfriend Chelsea sitting on his lap. The silence is then randomly broken. *
Sunday May 10th, 2009 – Mothers Day
Chelsea – Tread babe…whose Katie Farrar?
* Shawn’s eyes widen as he looks at Tread. *
Tread – Um…oh, she’s just some girl in me and Shawn’s psychology class. She sits right by Phil right?
Shawn – Yeah, pretty sure.
Chelsea – Huh, interesting.
Shawn – Why?
Tread – Yeah, why?
Chelsea – Because my roommate knows her and said that she heard that you had sex with her Tread! What the hell?! You fucking bastard! You’ve been cheating on me?!
* Shawn and Tread’s face both go pale.… *
Funny story here…it was actually me who had been having sex with Katie since his engagement to Angie. However a friend of ours was sleeping on our couch after a drunk night of partying about 6 months ago and over heard some sex going on. I believe what he heard was a female voice saying: “I’m almost there, I’m almost there!” Now Tread even though dating Chelsea for a year at that time agreed with me that he would take the rap for it by telling our friend that it was him who was having sex and that it couldn’t get back to Chelsea. Well, he saved my ass there because well I was engaged and had a lot more to lose at the time. However apparently the story got back to Chelsea after me and Tread had pretty much erased it from our minds…so now we’re screwed. Either Tread will admit to cheating on Chelsea who he loves….or….
Tread – I….Shawn, I can’t.
Shawn – Tread I swear to fucking God!
* Shawn Winters is now sitting in his couch with his head cupped in his hands. He then looks up into a camera and gives a slight glare. *
Shawn – The insanity of Christian Savior…now is that a self assessment or what exactly is it? I mean you claim to be relatively insane and fun and corky and edgy but the truth is you’re really not when you’ve got to be the one referring to yourself as such. You want to be insane? You want to be crazy? You want to be off the wall Christian? Well cutting kiddy promos in a grocery store and a storage closet isn’t going to get it done. You state that I’m the one that doesn’t like in reality even though my reality is your ongoing dream. You hate me simply because you’re NOT me. The jealousy is just like vomit coming from your mouth. You say that I’m off living in never-never land but yet you’re the one whose insane and yet you’re living here on earth I’m guessing trying to convince yourself to be one of the humans? What the fuck are you trying to get across with here? You’re not insane Christian, you’re just flat out delusional. You’ve flat out CONVINCED yourself that you matter by trying to tell me that I oh my god here’s a shocker that I don’t matter! You’re jealousy is beginning to take over each blood cell at a time. You’re jealous that Shawn Winters was the main attraction in SCW so you came back. You were jealous that Shawn Winters defeated your brother for the SCW Championship so you got a shot. The jealousy you feel towards me is not something of insanity in fact it’s purely sane Christian. It’s perfectly normal to look at other people and wish you were them. The sad thing is it’s one of the steps towards homosexuality. One minute you’ll be wishing that you were me and then the next minute you’ll be saying “Shawn Winters is so sexy” and then after that you’ll be getting a full blown hard on whenever I come onto the screen.
Your insanity Christian is nothing more then a little game you try and play in order to keep your little ADD in tact. You want to be insane because you want people to pity you but the truth is not even the starving kids in Africa get the type of pity in which you deserve! You want to talk about Greaternity needing to grow up? Really Christian? You’re the one running around the grocery store as if you’ve had to much Mountain Dew and Pixie Sticks. But you….you’re insane?! Mother fucker all you need is some god damn Ritalin! Parents put there own children on it for less but yet you’re passing it off as insanity and originality.
* Shawn gets up and begins to walk down a hallway and in through a door and down some stares to a den area. Shawn then walks and stands behind a table of some sort with a blanket covering it. *
Shawn – I was trying to pick my own brain earlier Christian but let me go ahead and open up yours.
* Shawn pulls the blanket to the side and reaches his arm down in it. *
Shawn – Wow it really seems to be empty in here…oh wait I’ve found something.
* Shawn pulls out a game of Zelda. *
Shawn – Huh, interesting…The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess that explains where you get all of your damn nicknames and monikers.
* Shawn tosses the game off to the side and reaches his hand down there again. He pulls it out to reveal.Christian Savior’s Twitter page. *
Shawn – Oh my god! I’m as shocked as when everyone found out that Bruce Willis was dead in the end of Sixth Sense! Christian Savior thinks he matters enough to let everyone know about his life 24/7…yeah, that’s not me Christian, I’m not trying to pass off as somebody I’m not.
* Shawn tosses that to the side and reaches down inside again, this time pulling out the lyrics to “If I Were A Boy” by Beyonce. *
Shawn – Well that makes sense, it’s only common for an incest baby like himself to have these sexual misconceptions of himself. It’s really a sad thing to not know who you are but Christian it’s even a sadder thing when you make up somebody and try your damned-est to convince everything that it’s who you are. Just because you wear a crown doesn’t make you a King Savior. The sooner this stupid little charade is over the sooner everyone can get on with there lives. I guess I should be the one to teach you the lesson of “just being yourself” since your mother obviously didn’t do it for you. Why did she die again Christian?
* Shawn tosses that aside and reaches his hand down again and pulls out a tampon. He quickly tosses that aside. *
Shawn – Ok that’s just gross.
* Shawn reaches down again and pulls out Candy Land. *
Shawn – Candy Land, the childhood of Christian Savior ladies and gentleman. He wants to talk about me living in Never-Never Land? Well I’ve got a little game to play with you Christian, over or under 1 year before you turn your backyard into a theme park and try and get children to stay the night? I mean you’re connecting with your inner child right? I mean that’s why you were running around a grocery store right? What’s the next logical step for you Christian? You going to do your shenanigans at a Wal-Mart? Oh better yet, you going to step up your game at a Home Depot? What about a Bed, Bath, and Beyond? A Claire’s maybe? Or are you going to go the route of a JC Penny’s? Please Christian, update us on your Twitter page because the whole world is just DYING to know.
* Shawn tosses the game aside. Shawn then reaches down again and this time pulls out a stalker like picture of Shawn Winters bending over to pick up something to reveal an ass crack. Shawn smirks. *
Shawn – Wow, it looks like the jealousy has taken you over a little quicker then I expected. You’re already moving through the “Shawn Winters is sexy” stage. Pretty soon Christian…you know what’s going to happen.
* Shawn tosses the picture aside and reaches in once again. Shawn this time pulls out a Replica SCW World Championship. *
Shawn – Haha, how childish. Christian, now I know that winning the SCW World Championship was like a giant wet dream for you and its ok, it’s nothing to be ashamed at. You’re still growing and getting used to your body…oh wait….you’re a grown man aren’t you? Then cleary you’re obviously just premature haha. What I’m trying to say Christian is that even being a dream come true that it was…sometimes failing at something that you thought you wanted is just a blessing in disguise. So when the times comes and you realize that I actually did you a favor by destroying your dream I’d be more then happy to take a keg as a gift of gratitude.
* Shawn tosses the SCW Championship aside and this time pulls out a CD. *
Shawn – Huh, “Renegade” by Thin Lizzy…I wonder what that’s supposed to mean?
* Shawn the steps to the side and then takes a seat leaning up against it. *
Shawn – Christian…what I’m trying to get at here is you’re fake. You’re an illusion per say. You put on this face and you walk out like a little monkey doing tricks and asking for spare change with your little red hat. Well little monkey what other kinds of tricks do you have because the one’s you’ve been doing for the past few months have really gotten stale. Pretty soon this little monkey act of yours will be replaced by something more entertaining like a Penguin who can play the piano. Actually that’s not really a fare comparison because Penguins in every shape and form are just down right cool so I apologize to any Penguins out there who I may have offended hairless or hairy haha.
Christian my point is, you want to attack me for being boring? Predictable? Uncaring? Go right ahead, last time I checked my life isn’t here to impress you. My life is exactly that, MY LIFE! I do with it what I please…not to please people like you who are clearly to bored with there own lives that they have to invite certain scenarios in there heads to keep themselves entertained. You’re nothing more then a clown at a low budget children’s birthday party Christian. You’ve got maybe two or three tricks and then all you can really do is make balloon animals which all tend to come out like a little dog. Bitch I asked you for a Giraffe!
So you can have your little side show circus act self and you can easily do it to your own amusement but sooner or later you’re going to come to that hard realization that nobody’s watching you, that nobody’s is bying into your act. That’s when actors really go to die Christian, when they realize that they’re not acting for anyone anymore. You’ll just be a pathetic piece of shit whose been playing a role for far to long and doesn’t know anything else. You’re type cast Christian, nobody could ever except you as anything else. Nobody could ever except you as a winner that’s for sure. Nobody could really except you as a father. Nobody could even except you as a whole different person.
Starving Children, Stray Puppies, Aborted Children, Christian Savior…what do all of these have in common? Heh…they all want pity. Like I said Christian, I’d like to pity you, but the truth is you’re not worth my pity.
* Shawn then stands up and then kneels down beside an action figure of Christian Savior. *
Shawn – Ladies and gentleman, please….with just a penny a day you could help a person like this. You can make a difference. You could give him a sense of belonging that he can’t find anywhere else. Please, all it takes is one penny…a penny in which you probably throw away after getting your fast food could give this person here a better life. Please people, don’t shy away from him in his time of need. Christian Savior needs our help…so if you’d like to be HIS Savior please call us at 555-555-5555, because the smile on his face when he knows you care could melt your heart.
* Shawn gets up and smirks as he walks away. *