One Man Scandal
Shawn Winters

BS Report

* The scene opens up inside of Shawn Winters Los Angeles home. He's looking at himself in the mirror seemingly checking for something. *

Hannah – (yelling) BABE! Don't you have that thing in an hour?!

Shawn – (yelling) YES! In an hour!

* Shawn continues to look at himself in the mirror. *

Shawn – I don't look 30 do I? I could probably pass as 21 if I tried. Hell maybe I should hit up USC again for some talent and tell them that I'm a student who just transferred....nah that won't work, to many people know who I am. Maybe I can pay the internet to have my birth date changed. Who would I contact if I wanted to contact the internet? Al Gore? Didn't he invent the internet? Or maybe Bill Gates? I think he controls it? Or maybe I should just write Obama a letter to plead with him to change my birth certificate. can women lie about their ages so well? I mean it's so hard to tell whose 15 and whose 18. Why can't it be like that for me? People should think that I'm 25 or something, I can't be 30. That means statistically if the average age of death for men is 78...with my lifestyle I'll be lucky to reach my life is half way over. March going to get here faster than I ever thought possible. Hell for all I know, with this psycho out there trying to kill me I might not even have to worry about turning 30. For all I know I could die in the next few days before my birthday even gets can only hope I guess.

* Shawn sighs before tossing some water in his face from the sink. He dries his face off before heading out from the bathroom and down the stairs joining his wife Hannah whose using the Xbox Kinect to exercise. *

Hannah – How long is security going to be hanging around our house?

Shawn – Until the police find the psycho wanting to kill me. What the hell are you doing?

Hannah – I'm exercising.

Shawn –'re standing there looking like a complete idiot.

Hannah – Don't get made at me when I can get away with doing this stuff and staying in shape when you have to actually work out and run every day to get your old ass in shape.

Shawn – Old ass?! Old ass?!

Hannah – It's alright Shawn, I'll still love you when your hair starts turning grey.

Shawn – Don't you even start!

Hannah – Balding though might be where I draw the line.

Shawn – don't even know! This glorious hair that I got on my head isn't going anywhere! I'm going to be like a fine wine, I'll get better with age you just watch.

Hannah – The only guy that I can think of that aged well is George Clooney, and you're not George Clooney.

Shawn – Last time I checked I married a girl that didn't have such a fat ass! That Kinect clearly isn't working!

Hannah – SHAWN!

Shawn – HANNAH!

Hannah – You don't say things like that to a woman!

Shawn – You're not a woman, you're my wife, I can say whatever I want to you. For're just like your mother.

* Hannah stomps her foot and gets an angry look on her face. *

Shawn – Gotta love marriage don't ya? Next time think twice before trying to make fun of me because I got an office filled with ways to get under your skin. Think about that!

Hannah – I hate you so much right now.

Shawn – Love you too babe, I've gotta go.

* Shawn walks out the door as he heads for his appointment. *

Show Intro (Voice Over)

“The BS Report is a free flowing conversation that occasionally touches on mature subjects.”

“First of all, this is the BS Report with Bill Simmons.”

“He might be cool, I don't know and if it's not I don't care.”

“The BS Report with Bill Simmons.”

“Bill Simmons works for ESPN and he is also named 'The Sports Guy' and he writes a comical sports column, he must be a popular dude.”

“The BS Report”

“It's got a real dirty sound, like a rusty steak knife cutting through a well aged steak.”

“Now, now, now, now, here's Bill Simmons.”

Bill – Welcome to the BS Report a semi-gloomy Friday here in southern California. But it's not gloomy because we have not on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline but in studio, the One Man Scandal Shawn Winters of Supreme Championship Wrestling, how are you doing?

Shawn – I'm doing well Bill how bout yourself?

Bill – I'm holding in there not going to lie. You're from LA aren't you?

Shawn – I live here now yes, I'm originally from Louisville, Kentucky. Moved out here a few years ago to accommodate me a little bit better so to speak.

Bill – Alright, so either way it wasn't a trouble for you to join us today?

Shawn – Not at all, just have to take that car trip down the highway and take an exit haha. I'm a big fan of the show.

Bill – Well thank you, it's always awkward interviewing somebody that doesn't listen.

Shawn – Small talk can only get you so far right?

Bill – Absolutely. As you are a fan of mine I would like to recuperate by saying I am a very big fan of yours as well. Anyone who listens to this Podcast knows that I am a very big wrestling fan and you are one the guys who actually keeps me watching well into my 40's.

Shawn – Thanks Bill, it's always great to meet my fans, not going to lie though my fan base is 90 percent females so people may have some questions for you after listening to this Podcast haha.

Bill – I'm not scared, I have quite a few love affairs with athlete's you'd be the least of my worries on that front.

Shawn – Good to know haha.

Bill – That is something that I wanted to touch are good looking guy.

Shawn – Here we go Bill, are you hitting on me now? Because I haven't had anything to drink yet today, I might be a bit shy haha.

Bill – MEADE! Get Shawn a drink will you?!

Shawn – Whatever you make, make it a double!

Bill – Wow, this Podcast has gotten off to a terrible start.

Shawn – Or a great start haha.

Bill – Yes or a great start. I'll be out of a job by the end of the day.

Shawn – I could always use more assistants Bill.

Bill – You'd probably pay me more too.

Shawn – We'll talk about that off air haha.

Bill – Sure thing haha. But anyways back to the topic, what I wanted to ask you was how your looks have helped you in your life. I mean I've noticed that people in LA with good looks get farther than others. Especially ones that have a little bit of talent.

Shawn – Well sure, I'd be lying if I said being attractive didn't have it's perks because it does. I'm always well taken care of at restaurants and hotels whenever I'm on the road. That's to do with being famous as well as having the face that is so recognizable. I'm sure you get favorable treatment as well.

Bill – Not really, it's hard to have a recognizable face on a Podcast.

Shawn – Haha yeah but trust me, people know who you are Bill. You've got people more excited about seeing you at those Clippers games more than the actual game.

Bill – Not anymore! Not with Blake Griffin in town. The guy is blowing the roof off the Staples Center. Something I'm sure you've done a few times in your career.

Shawn – I would like to think so yeah haha.

Bill – So in professional wrestling do you think it's better to be attractive? Because those old school wrestling fans growing up watching guys like Stu Hart and Killer Kowalski who weren't known for their good looks might resent guys like you, somebody who might not have to work as hard.

Shawn – Ya see that's just ignorant on their parts. But I'm not going to be able to change their minds because they're so old their not going to change the way they think now. The way I like to see it is that I've worked at everything that I have accomplished in my career. Multiple World Championship reigns and fans around the world. Anybody that actually watches me inside the ring know that they're going to see something special because that's my release. Some people go to Church or the Opera or build model spaceships in order to escape every day life. I get inside the ring to escape, it's inside that ring where I feel at home. If these old timers want to try and say that I haven't earned anything then they can kiss my ass because I have a broken back to prove it. I put my body on the line for people who might not even appreciate it, however it's what I do, and I only know how to do it one way and that's all out.

Bill – That's something that I think gets overlooked by fans around the world. The wear and tear that goes into your bodies. You guys wrestle nearly every night with house shows, television tapings, and pay per views, you don't get an off season like other sports.

Shawn – Exactly, which is why so many wrestlers just take time off in order to rest. Not every time when superstars take time off it's because of injury. It could just be mental fatigue.

Bill – You've taken time off quite a few times. Whether it was re-injuring your back a few years ago against Chad Evans or leaving after losing to James Exeter a couple years ago. Take me through those processes.

Shawn – Well you see those two situations couldn't have been further from different. Many people know that I have a history of back issues and it's going to be something that I have to live with throughout the rest of my career however long it may last. My abrupt exit from SCW after my loss to James Exeter was pretty well kept under raps by SCW management. I've never shied away from answering it and the truth is I was in jail.

Bill – That story came out a few times during that time period, I'm surprised that SCW never issued a statement on it.

Shawn – I'm not, I'm sure they wanted to distance themselves from it as much as they could. I was arrested for several charges that landed me in jail for about 8 months. I made a couple TV appearances when I was released but nothing to special as I was out the door once again trying to get everything back together.

Bill – Which brought you back this past November.

Shawn – Exactly, I was ready to come back, I was in great shape and had that competitive drive most importantly to re-establish myself as the best in the world. Something that people tend to forget due to SCW's short term memory. People like the recognize somebody riding their 15 minutes of fame as the greatest which can be said about a David Helms our current World Champion, people forget who Shawn Winters truly was and I'm here to remind those people.

Bill – Speaking of taking time off and people calling themselves the best, I have to ask you about Jake Starr.

Shawn – I was hoping you would.

Bill – Rumors go around in professional wrestling like no other. Every week you're hearing different stories from different sources. Many are saying that Jake Starr suffered a concussion which if that's the case is a very serious injury and nobody knows when somebody truly recovers from those. Others are saying he was just burnt out after losing the SCW Championship and left because he lost. Then there is a third opinion that he left the moment you set your sights on him. I'd like to know where your thoughts lie on this situation?

Shawn – I'm not the type of guy to shy away from comments Bill. I am truly under the impression that Jake Starr is a gutless coward.

Bill – Wow.

Shawn – It's no secret that the guy tried to make a name for himself at my expense when I was SCW Champion. He interrupted me trying to go after the best of the best only for him to quickly realize that he wasn't at my level. Nobody making a debut is going to get a shot at the SCW Champion, that's just asinine. He felt like he was deserving when by all accounts he didn't even deserve to share the same air time as me. If it wasn't for me leaving after Rise to Greatness that year I have no shadow of a doubt that he would have never been Champion. It's just ironic that the entire time I was gone he was going around calling himself the best in the world and the moment I return and the moment I confront him about his idiotic comments he disappears like a little pardon my french...*bleep*.

Bill – We're going to have to censor that sorry Shawn.

Shawn – Understandable.

Bill – So you feel that Jake Starr straight up avoided you?

Shawn – Of course, he doesn't want to face me and lose only to find out that he's been living a lie for the past two years. It's a lot like the Floyd Mayweather/Manny Pacquiao situation. Manny is more than willing to show he's the best but there's Floyd who doesn't want to risk the chance that he'll fail. He's a coward. No way around it, people can throw out words at people only for them to be refuted but when that person actually fulfills the's going to stick with them forever. Jake Starr will never shake the label “coward” for the rest of his career. Is that a quality you see in the best in the world?

Bill – No it's not.

Shawn – Exactly...I walked out and stood toe to toe with Jake Starr and what does he do? He backs down. No fake concussion story will ever make up for him cowering in fear the moment I actually gave him the time he spent two years striving for. Just imagine Bill...a football player spending his entire career striving to win the Super Bowl only to get there and fall under the pressure and fail miserably. He'll be labeled for his entire career as a choke artist. Jake Starr is forever and always going to be a coward and a choke artist.

Bill – You sure do know how to speak your mind that's for sure.

Shawn – I don't shy away from a confrontation unlike certain people.

Bill – I see where you're coming from. What I did find interesting was this Vampira chick who came out to confront you when you were speaking your mind about Jake Starr. Where did that come from? From what I've seen you two haven't crossed paths at any point, so for her to come out and interrupt you seemed kind of random.

Shawn – Because it was. The fact is, every other month or so some punk kid thinks that they can come out and make a name for themselves off of mine. Jake Starr tried to do it when he first came into SCW and now we've got Vampira trying to escalate her career to another level using me as that stepping stone. You can't know how good you are until you test yourself against the best in the business and I'm the best in the business. I don't blame Vampira for wanting her shot at me, I just blame the company for giving it to her. What has she done to deserve such a treasure? As far as I'm concerned she's not really worth my time or effort. It's just a fill in for the fact that Jake Starr left leaving a trail of piss and shit on his way out the door. Sasha knows that a pay per view without Shawn Winters wouldn't create enough revenue so she gave the first person asking for a shot the opportunity.

Bill – So you don't see it as giving her credit, more as a last ditch effort for SCW to get you on the PPV? Possibly trying to save face with Jake Starr.

Shawn – That's a way to look at it Bill sure.

Bill – Being an SCW superstar that brings a lot of travel with the job. I'm curious to know how that effects your home life? From what I understand you have recently married.

Shawn – For a 3rd time Bill, you don't have to be afraid to say it haha.

Bill – Alright for a 3rd time, is that your answer the the question?

Shawn – It could be part of it sure. Being on the road for more than half the year sure takes away from being at home and being with my wife. All the hotels is the toughest part. A guy likes to sleep in his own bed.

Bill – Very true. It was hell for me during Super Bowl week in Dallas and those hotel beds. You just can't seem to pay enough for a bed as good as your own.

Shawn – It's very true.

Bill – What I was getting at is Utah Jazz basketball player Andrei Kirilenko, his wife has given him one free pass every season to do what he wants on the road. Has that offer ever been given to you from any of your three wives?

Shawn – Is that actually true?

Bill – Yes, completely 100 percent true. No telling whether he has used those free passes or not but she has gone on record as saying she gives him one.

Shawn – Wow, how could somebody not take advantage of something like that? I think I've already found wife number four Jesus haha.

Bill – So are you saying you've never received that pass?

Shawn – Can't say that I have Bill, can't say that I have. Are you sure it's not just some kind of test to see if he'd cheat on her? Women can be conniving like that.

Bill – Not from what I've heard her say, I believe it's a legit offer.

Shawn – That's definitely something that should written into wedding vows these days haha. Let me ask you Bill, have you ever received said pass?

Bill – From my wife? Oh no, there's no way she'd give me such a pass.

Shawn – I don't know Bill, with all your love affairs with athletes and then there's Michelle Beadle, who I've heard has been talked favorably by you on your Podcast.

Bill – It's true, if ESPN had a draft Michelle Beadle would undoubtedly be the #1 overall pick.

Shawn – She's a hottie not going to lie. I'd probably propose to her the moment I met her haha.

Bill – So you'd throw your current wife out the window for Michelle Beadle?

Shawn – Sure why not.

Bill – You're going to have divorce papers waiting for you when you get home.

Shawn – Not a chance she's not going to listen to this show haha.

Bill – Nobody does haha.

Shawn – You should be worried too Bill...I mean one woman could tear apart both our marriages.

Bill – You're going to get me fired and get me divorced thanks a lot Shawn haha.

Shawn – Hey, I like to create controversy what did you expect from me when you invited me on the show?

Bill – Can anyone really expect anything when it comes to you?

Shawn – You can expect entertainment can expect entertainment. One question for you, you mentioned Super Bowl week, how was it in Dallas? I wanted to go so badly but with my schedule I wasn't able to make it down there.

Bill – That's right you're a Packers fan aren't you?

Shawn – Damn right I am.

Bill – How did that come about? Being from Kentucky I'd expect you to be a Titans or Colts fan.

Shawn – Yeah there are a lot those fans in Kentucky but I've gotta say, I've just always liked the Packers. There is this certain history there and tradition that other franchises don't really have. The first football game I went to as a kid was a Packers/Bears game that my father took me too when we were in Wisconsin for some work thing that he was doing. I guess after that I was hooked.

Bill – So you must have been excited after the Super Bowl was over.

Shawn – I was on cloud nine Bill. I watched Brett Favre win his Super Bowl and I'm hoping I just witnessed the first of many Aaron Rodgers Super Bowl Championships.

Bill – They've got the looks of a dynasty, they're very young but it's been a while since the NFL has had a dynasty. The Patriots probably came closest to those legendary Cowboys, Steelers, and 49ers teams.

Shawn – I think they can do it. I'm tempted to make a bet with a friend of mine Clay Matthews...

Bill – You're friends with Clay Matthews?

Shawn – Yeah, met him a few times when he played for USC. He's invited me out to some Packers games, he's a good guy. A wrestling fan too. We have great respect for one another.

Bill – What was this bet?

Shawn – What would happen first an NFL labor agreement or a Shawn Winters World Championship victory.

Bill – The way it's going I'd put my money on you.

Shawn – See I would too but there has been recent actions by an unnamed superstar who has bet away his life for the sake of the SCW Championship. I'm not as ignorant as he is haha.

Bill – I think everybody knows who you're talking about Shawn.

Shawn – Yeah, I just can't say his name because every time I'm about to I vomit haha.

Bill – Haha well we can't have that happen, especially not when you're in studio.

Shawn – Yeah it'd be a shame for whoever was responsible for cleaning it up.

Bill – It'd be Joe Meade.

Shawn – Always the producer's job.

Bill – I'm the talent, I'm not responsible for actual work.

Shawn – Haha we never are Bill.

Bill – Now as you know I've been a wrestling fan for a very long time and I wanted to touch on that this newer generation of performers you included has really been hit or miss. You've got guys that show a lot of promise only to not quite reach their true potential. Then you've got guys like you who somehow was able to make everything click and become one of the best if not THE best all around performer in the business. You're great to watch in the ring as well as listen to on the microphone, I'm curious to know what your thoughts are about why some of these superstars don't make it and why some things just come easier to others?

Shawn – It's hard to say really...I mean you've got guys that reach the main event status and possibly win the SCW Championship only to never sniff that status again it's interesting because it gets tiring when I had to wrestle Jason Zero or Christian Savior countless times for the span of 4 months.

Bill – Do you think that David Helms has what it takes to stay on top?

Shawn – Not at all.

Bill – Not at all?

Shawn – No, do I think he's going to retain the title at Retribution? I do because I see Christy Matthews as less of a threat than I see David Helms. I look at it as if this person would give me a challenge when I once again hold the SCW Championship and I don't think David Helms would give me said challenge. He's the type of guy whose flame is going to die out rather quickly. The verdict is still out on him as Champion and my money is leaning towards him being a failure. He has yet to capture my attention as Champion and that just goes to show that he's not entertaining.

Bill – If anyone listens to this you're not going to be making a lot of friends haha.

Shawn – I've got enough friends, I don't need any more haha.

Bill – Is there anyone out there who strikes you as someone who has “it”?

Shawn – Ace Marshall, the guy is a good friend of mine for better or worse I should say haha. He was a pledge in Greaternity under me and Adam Alloco, he's a guy whose got all the talent in the world and could be somebody to watch out for if ever given the chance.

Bill – I ask this from every wrestler who comes on my podcast, so I've got to ask you as well, throughout your career, who was your favorite opponent and what was your favorite match?

Shawn – Wow, that's a tough one. I've had a lot of great matches throughout my career. CHBK, James Exeter, Chad Evans...I'd have to say my favorite opponent was Hurse. That guy knows how to bring it. I've only had the chance to face him once and it was one hell of a match between us, definitely one that I won't forget. He got the better of me that night which gives him respect in my book. My favorite match would have to be when I defended the SCW Championship against Asher Hayes at Redemption in May of 2009. That match was respected so much by our peers and by the fans in general. A match that I enjoy not only for the effort that I put into it but for the effort that Asher Hayes put in as well. He wanted to win the Championship so bad to signify his career but it wasn't his night.

Bill – I remember that match, was definitely one for the ages. I'm surprised you didn't say your match with James Exeter at Rise to Greatness that same year. That match won match of the year over your match with Asher Hayes.

Shawn – Yeah but I didn't win that match did I? Haha.

Bill – Touche, Shawn. Touche. Listen, Joe Meade is telling me that we're out of time, Shawn real quick do you want to plug Retribution this Sunday?

Shawn – This Sunday live from the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines, Iowa which is the home state of my manager Charlie SCW brings Retribution where you all can watch yours truly Shawn Winters in action as he defeats a wrestler to be named later.

Bill – You mean Vampira?

Shawn – Oh yeah, I keep forgetting who I'm facing, thanks a lot Starr.

Bill – Looking forward to it. Shawn it was indeed a pleasure, if I still have a job after this airs I'd love to have you back on the show again. Good luck on Sunday.

Shawn – Thanks Bill, it was a pleasure.

Bill – Take care.

Exit (Voice Over)


“Thank you for downloading the BS Report with Bill Simmons.”

“Too much fun.”

“Check out more Podcasts at the iTunes music store or the Podcenter on ESPNRadio.”

“Peace Out”

* The scene opens up showing Shawn Winters with a long jacket on walking outside where lights can be seen behind him. *

Shawn – So here we go again. How many times do I have to live through this? Is Sasha running out of ideas or is she just to unqualified to run this company to realize what she is succumbing me to? How many times does some no name have to come out and interrupt my tv time and try to make a name out of themselves? I mean seriously I'm in Deja-Vu. Who the fuck is Vampira? I am literally begging to know. What qualifies her to come out and challenge me and for Sasha to actually listen? I don't recall accepting any sort of challenge because once again...who the fuck is she? Vampira I would love for you to come out and cut some massive promo about your origins, who you were as a child, when you first had an orgasm, when you first drank blood or whatever freakish things that you're into. Please tell me who you are so I should know why the fuck I should give a damn about you. Trust me, it's going to have to be one hell of a story because you've got nothing to be desired, you are nothing more than a circus freak, a side show, a girl who was laughed out of high school, a girl who had no friends so had to fake this alternate reality of yours where you think you're some sort of Vampire. Which is exactly why I am here, somewhere you will truly feel like you belong.

* The scene shows a carnival. *

Shawn – Ya see this place Vampy? This is the place where you belong, a place filled with freaks just like yourself. Kids who were turned away from normal life. Kids who ran away from home in hopes of joining the circus only to find out that they weren't good at anything...they were failures. So here you are Vampy, a home in which you can truly be accepted. I mean that's what you want isn't it? Sure you put on this charade of trying to be different from everyone else but the truth is all you're doing is placing yourself into this retarded Vampire-fad. You're so unoriginal it makes my head hurt. All you can do is take another persons originality and try to pass it off as your own. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you took this promo I'm doing right now and tried to pass it off as your own. You're PATHETIC! Drop the charade because it's only making you look weak! Vampire's are supposed to be strong, silent, Are weak, unbearable to listen to, and sadly very much alive.

* Shawn stops at an old woman. *

Shawn – What can you do?

Old Lady – I can guess your age.

Shawn – Go for it.

Old Lady – Give me your hands.

* Shawn places his hands into those of the old woman. She looks at them palms towards her face. *

Old Lady – You have a sudden calmness to you. Rough palms, gives you a bit of experience. You also have a this line right here which indicates health. You're between the ages of 28 and 35...

Shawn – Heh, you're not even close.

Old Lady – You're 30....

Shawn – THAT'S IT! You should be fired! Awesome job lying to people and making them feel insecure.....bitch.

* Shawn walks away. *

Shawn – Who the fuck does she think she is? I'm not 30...and nor will I EVER be 30! ANYWAYS!!! As you can see here Vampy this place is filled with failures which is all that you are. You lost to Chad Evans and yet that somehow establishes you relevant enough to even confront me? I'm trying to wrap my mind around your logic here chica...I'd love for some help because looking this good makes me not quite the smartest man in the world. So please tell me how you're qualified? (waits) nothing? Yeah, didn't think so. The fact is the only reason I'm facing you is because Jake Starr decided to pussy out and leave the company the moment I felt like taking my time to correct him on his self proclaimed best in the world quote. So seriously, you should feel no pride in getting this chance because you weren't even on the radar. Trust me, you'll be out of this company in the span of weeks and back in the kitchen where you belong. Ya see I'm going to do something that your father should of done a long ass time ago. I'm going to buy you an easy bake oven because it's about damn time for you to learn your place! I wouldn't want to send you out in that scary place called a kitchen without being prepared now would I? (winks)

* Shawn walks up to a guy who has a large knife. *

Shawn – What can you do?

Guy – I can stick this whole knife down my throat without gagging.

Shawn – If you were a girl that would be impressive....NEXT!

* Shawn walks away. *

Shawn – That guy right there would probably love you. He seem to love digesting stiff and useless things. I however on the other hand value my time and don't have it to be spared trying to understand some little girl with daddy issues. Oh yes, this whole thing clearly can be answered by daddy issues. What else would explain this awkward personality vampire crap that you're trying to pull off? Hell I could probably get you arrested for animal cruelty. All I'd have to do is call up PETA and get them all over you because I'm 90 percent sure that you've sacrificed at least one goat haha.

* Shawn walks up to a girl. *

Shawn – What can you do?

Girl – I can fit my entire body into this little box.

Shawn – Bullshit.

* The girl then proceeds to contort her body in ways to fit her into a tiny box. Shawn smirks. *

Shawn – Good luck getting out.

* Shawn walks away. *

Shawn – Now Vampy I don't expect you to understand what the was because that's what I like to call talent. Trust me, you're not the first person to have that fall on deaf ears. God...just thinking about the things I could do to that girl just gets me....oh...I'm sorry I got lost in my train of thought, where was I? I instead let's talk about fetish's shall we? (smirks) I'm no psychiatrist but a psychiatrist would tell you that you have some sort of sick fetish to go with this mixed identity falsehood. Ya see there are some sick people out there, people who have foot fetish's, bondage, domination, submission, and R. Kelly's personal favorite, the golden showers. Ya see Vampy this whole vampire thing is clearly just a fetish that you've established by thinking about them. Now some would understand this because vampire's have a history of being very sexual beings. The blood sucking straight out the neck, I mean come on, what normal person WOULDN'T be turned on by that? Heh, come on, I can't sit here and actually acknowledge you as being normal. You are as normal as Charlie Sheen is clean, it's just not believable no matter what kind of disorder or fetish I try to justify you with.

This shit isn't normal and to be honest I should probably be scared because what the hell am I to expect on Sunday? Should I bring a wooden stake or a tampon? I'm confused at what kind of blood you're going after here. Are you going to try for my blood or are you just upset from your own blood. Either way you're not going to get the satisfaction of having sex with Shawn Winters because either way, I'm not into Vampires and I'm not into parting the red sea or getting ketchup on my hotdog.

Now I can sit here and crack more jokes, jokes about how you sat alone in your room because your parents wanted nothing to do with you and watched Twilight over and over again falling into a fake love with a fictional character. Well you know what? I'm not going to do that because I feel like you've been made fun of your entire life where you believe to be “original” I believe you to be fiction just like the character you're trying to copy.

So in the case of you being fiction...assuming that you dropped out of high school because of your tortured soul and nobody understood you and you didn't receive the proper education, I'll tell you what that means. It means that you don't exist. You're nothing more than a figment of your own imagination. You're a bored girl with obviously some mental problems and you've given yourself this persona as a way to escape what is actual life. Well I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but at Retribution I'm going to bring you back to reality and I'm going to bring you back hard. No, I'm not going to have sex with you, which I'm sure is why you wanted this match to begin with but instead I'm going to kick your fanged teeth straight down your throat! So hold your sacrifices, drink your blood, and if there's time take your vitamins because come Sunday night your vampire persona will forever be no more, because your brain will be so damaged you won't even know who you are. So just like Charlie Sheen, at Retribution, I'm Winning!

* The scene fades out as Shawn walks through the rest of the carnival. *