One Man Scandal
Shawn Winters

Monty Python

* The scene opens up in Shawn Winters Los Angeles home. He's putting on a suit while staring into a mirror as his wife Hannah comes up behind him and fixes his collar and brushes off his shoulders. Shawn turns around and leans against the dresser. *

Shawn – You know that I don't want to do this right? This isn't on my bucket list.

Hannah – You know that you're going anyway right? Otherwise that bucket list of yours won't get anything accomplished.

Shawn – Ugh...come on Hannah they're YOUR parents. I don't need to be there.

Hannah – Yes you do! You're my husband if you haven't forgotten, if I'm expected to be there then so are you! parents love you!

Shawn – Ugh don't remind me. Last time I saw your mom she wouldn't stop telling me how much she loved me.

Hannah – Shawn I told you that my mom likes to have a drink every now and again. That doesn't mean you have to take everything she says so seriously. She was probably joking around with you.

Shawn – She asked me if kitty wanted some candy.

Hannah – Were you said kitty?

Shawn – I'm now sure because she meowed right after it.

Hannah – Well that's my mother for you. Just stay with my dad all night then.

Shawn – Oh god don't get me started on the awkwardness of your father.

Hannah – Oh don't you get ME started! I figured you two would have a great old time telling him exactly how you're giving it to me every night. Trust me...he wants to hear that.

Shawn – See that's the thing I don't he just trying to trick me with that stuff?

Hannah – Oh no! My dad thinks that sex is a perfectly natural thing and that it should be shared with people. You should have been there whenever I had a date pick me up in high school. His first question wasn't: “When are you going to have my daughter back by?” It was: “Do you have condoms?”

Shawn – HA!

Hannah – It was disturbing, it was like my father was whoring me out. I'd come home and he'd ask me if I had sex with him and when I'd say “no” he'd call me a “prude”. He always talked about his days when he'd have orgies and all these other kinds of sexual parties when he was growing up, you'd think that he'd be more protective of his daughters! No instead it was a lot harder for my brother Phil.

Shawn – How?!

Hannah – My brother Phil was always a shy kid and here my dad was trying to get him to hook up with any girl he could get his hands on. He even bought him a prostitute for his 16th birthday trying to get him to lose his virginity!

Shawn – Wow...I don't know how I'd take it if my son wasn't a chip off the old block.

Hannah – You're not helping.

Shawn – Well just saying to have these awesome “powers” I guess you could say with women and for your own offspring to not be able to follow in those footsteps? It'd be a hard pill to swallow. With great power comes great responsibility to get laid. (smirks)

* Hannah then playfully punches Shawn in the chest. He grabs his chest in pain. *

Shawn – Ow!

Hannah – Take it you big baby!

Shawn – Your daddy teach you that?

* Hannah kicks him in the shin this time. *

Shawn – (laughing) Ow!!!!

Hannah – Stop fucking around we need to get going. I'm sure my brother and sister are already there.

Shawn – How old is your sister now?

Hannah – SHAWN!!!

Shawn – No seriously...I have a little sister too I was just curious?!

Hannah – She's 17...I know how she get's you stay away from her!

* Shawn playfully looks down at his crotch while gesturing to it. *

Shawn – This thing has a mind of it's own! Two heads equals two brains!

Hannah – You are such an animal.

Shawn – Take it you big baby! (smiles)

* Shawn and Hannah walk out the front door. *

* The scene opens up showing Shawn Winters and Hannah parking their car and walking into a rather nice hotel where her parents anniversary dinner is located. They walk up to the front desk and double check to see where they are expected. The receptionist motions down the hall towards a banquet room. They walk into the room and right away there is some loud music playing and quite a few people dancing and drinking. Not seconds later it's Hannah's father Alec walking over to them with his arms extended. He grabs Hannah and gives her a massive hug. *

Alec – There's my girl! So glad you could make it.

* He gives her a kiss on the cheek before turning to Shawn. *

Alec – Shawn my boy! Uh comes to ass grab!

* Alec steps in towards Shawn with his arms extended. *

Shawn – No, no sir no ass gr-and there it is....yeah, thanks sir.

Alec – How many times have I told you? Call me Alec. You're apart of our family now! I understand that you had a falling out with your own family...

Ugh, yeah a falling out with my family would be putting it mildly. Not everyone can state claim to ruining their brothers wedding and being the cause of his fiancee or ex-fiancee to kill herself. To say that my family isn't talking to me right now would be modest. They down right hate me and I don't really blame them. The only person I've been in contact since then has been my little sister Brooke. For whatever reason she has always looked up to me. She found it funny because she hated Katie and Marcus just as much as I did haha. God I love that kid. It's been two years since I've spoken to my parents, can't say I really miss it though.

Hannah – Dad, come on...Shawn doesn't like to talk about what happened with him and his family.

Alec – Inderstood, Shawn I just want you to feel loved and welcomed into this family! Your families loss is our gain!

Shawn – Right, thanks Alec.

Alec – So I trust that you're giving it to my daughter properly?

Hannah – DAD!

Alec – What? I just want to make sure that Shawn's taking care of you alright. Now are you two giving each other oral because it's something very enjoyable when done right.

Shawn – (smirks) Alec I think we've got this taken care of.

Hannah – I'm going to go find mom.

* Hannah walks away while Alec puts his arm around Shawn and guides him towards the bar. *

Alec – Have a drink, it's an open bar.

Shawn – Thanks.

* Shawn orders a drink from the bartender and takes a drink. *

Alec – So is Hannah open to anal?

* Shawn spits out his drink and puts his hand over his mouth. *

Alec – What? Did I say something wrong?

Shawn – Um...

Alec – It's not just for women too. Open yours up (slaps Shawn on the ass) you might like you find.

Shawn – Shit?

Alec – Haha don't be so literal. Let Hannah stick a finger in there every once and a while, it's quite the experience.

Shawn – I'm sure you'd know.

Alec – Me and Bonnie have all these sorts of toys. She uses beads, dildos, you imagine it and we've got it. Are you guys using roleplaying? My favorite is the police officer. I've always been a fan of restraints. (winks)

* Shawn motions for the bartender to give him another drink and to make this one a double. *

Alec – Have you two experimented with bringing in a third party?

Shawn – Now see that would be something I'd be interested in but Hannah's not to keen on it.

Alec – Bring in another man.

Shawn – Oh my god...

Alec – I mean just really give it to her ya know?

Shawn – You realize that this is your daughter right?

Alec – Of course, which is why I want to make sure she's being taken care of sexually.

Shawn – Trust me Alec...I've got things under control. I'm not some 13 year old kid whose getting his first boner, I know what I'm doing down there.

Alec – I trust that you do, it would make me feel a lot better if I knew what you were packing.

Shawn – Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Alec – You keep drinking like that I'll catch ya when you go to the bathroom haha.

Shawn – Disturbing.

Alec – I'll talk to you later Shawn, enjoy the party.

* He pats Shawn on the back as he walks away. Shawn leans up against the bar and breaths a sigh of relief. He turns his head to see Hannah's brother Phil getting a drink. *

Shawn – I've got to say, your dad is...interesting.

Phil – Ask you how big your dick was yet?

Shawn – In so few words yes. I will say this though, from a sons perspective he seems like an awesome dad.

Phil – That's what all my friends would say however I never saw it that way.

Shawn – Hannah told me about the prostitute on your birthday...not that I'd of ever needed one but to a normal kid that'd be an amazing gift.

Phil – That's the thing nobody gets it. Just because I've never had a girlfriend my father thinks that there's something wrong with me.

Shawn – Is there?

Phil – NO!

Shawn – Are you gay? Because from the looks of it your dad wouldn't seem to be upset by the news.

Phil – No, I'm just as straight as you and yes my father would probably love it if I was gay, then he could talk to me about all these things he did in the 70's.

Shawn – So what's the deal? You're how old?

Phil – I'm 22.

Shawn – In college I'm assuming?

Phil – Yeah.

Shawn – I'm assuming that you're not a virgin.

Phil – No...I've had sex once.

Shawn – And you want to have more of it right? Haha

Phil – Yes of course it's just...

Shawn – Small penis?

Phil – I don't's average I guess. It's just a mixture of things.

Shawn – Hey I'm all ears...the longer I have somebody other than your father to talk to the better.

Phil – Well for one I don't really know how to talk to women.

Shawn – Oh that's easy.

Phil – And second, I...I guess I just psych myself out. The moment I find out that a girl is interested in me I just clam up and don't do anything about it because I'm embarrassed that I'll be horrible at it and she'll laugh and tell her friends.

Shawn – Jesus...that's a bit awkward.

Phil – You're telling me. You're kind of known for getting a lot of girls...

Shawn – I've had my fair share I suppose. (smirks)

Phil – Can you help me out?

Shawn – I'll tell you something right the last two minutes of this conversation I've seen four girls looking at you. Now there is a high probability that it's because you're standing next to me but hey, use that to your advantage. I am a celebrity and it's alright to name drop every once and a while. When you have a conversation with the girl go ahead and say that I'm your brother in law type of deal. She'll be impressed and then automatically think that you're cool because you were seen talking to me.

Phil – But what do I say to them afterwards?

Shawn – I've always gone the route of insulting them with stupid remarks but that's probably not the best route for you. There is always this stigma of trying to make a girl laugh.

Phil – I'm not a funny person.

Shawn – Don't have to be. Girls like it when guys can make fun of themselves, kind of makes them feel better about themselves. Tell them the story about the prostitute on your birthday girls will find that hilarious.

Phil – But that's so embarrassing.

Shawn – Nothing's embarrassing if you get a good story out of it. Use things like that to your advantage. You also have the ability to lie your ass off too haha. Make shit up they won't know the difference. Now if the conversation seems to be getting a bit slow tell her you have to go talk to someone else but you'd like to meet back up before you leave. Always leave an opening to be leaving somewhere at the same time. Creates an opportunity for you to go somewhere else together, ideally your bed.

Phil – Alright...but say all of this stuff works and I get a girl back to my bed, how do I over come the nervousness of not performing very well? When I lost my virginity it seriously lasted like 30 seconds.

Shawn – It'll help you if you've been drinking haha. If you're so nervous about it pop in a viagra, I'm sure your dad has gone some lying around steal a few of them. Keep a pill on you and pop it in when you're about to go to pound town. If that doesn't orally fixated.

Phil – Oh my god, my dad talks about that all the time.

Shawn – If you can't fuck a girl right she'll forgive you as long as you eat her out right, that's a rare thing so I'm told.

Phil – But...I don't think I know how.

* Shawn motions for Phil to come closer and whispers something in his ear and then pulls back and takes a drink. *

Shawn – Just stick with that, it's a little move that I use...your sister seems to like it haha.

Phil – GROSS!

Shawn – Oh sorry haha. Now do you see those two girls over to my right?

Phil – Yeah, that tall blonde is really cute.

Shawn – I'm going to bring them over here and we're going to have a conversation. I'm going to eventually leave and it'll be all yours from there. Trust me, I'll set you up really well.

* Shawn then looks at the two girls who are staring at them. He motions for them to join him. They walk over. *

Shawn – How are you two ladies doing tonight?

Girl #1 – We're doing great, ya know we were looking over here for quite some time, what took you so long to notice us?

Shawn – Well I didn't want to seem too eager did I? (smirks)

Girl #2 – We wouldn't have minded.

Shawn – By the way, my name is Shawn and this here is my good friend Phil.

Girl #1 – I'm Amber and this is my friend Julie.

Shawn – Amber? She doesn't look like an Amber does she Phil?

Phil – I don't know...

Shawn – look more like a Leah.

Amber – A Leah? Kind of an odd name to pick, I take it you knew a girl named Leah and I remind you of her?

Shawn – I had a dog named Leah.

Amber – So you're saying I remind you of your dog?!

Shawn – Hey, she was a great dog.

Phil – I knew a girl named Leah, she's a model now.

Shawn – Take your pick haha.

Amber – I think the model sounds a lot better thank you Phil.

Shawn – Now I hate to leave so quickly however I've got to see what my wife has gotten herself into if you don't mind.

Julie – Aw you're married?

Shawn – That I am, however my man Phil here he's off the market and just recently out of a relationship.

Julie – Aw that's so sad.

Shawn – It's really her loss but hey you can't always get winners can you? Phil here has got some great stories for you ladies so you might want to grab a couple more drinks and stay awhile.

Amber – Alright.

Julie – Sounds fun.

* Shawn walks away and looks back to see the girls laughing and Phil mouthing the words “thank you” towards Shawn. *

Wow, that actually felt good. Helping that kid get laid...he's not so bad, maybe Alec could go a little easier on him. Not everybody is blessed with the good looks and charm of Shawn Winters. It'd be a travesty for me to not share some of my knowledge this isn't the old days when knowledge was power, these days skill is power and I've shown that numerous times. With the little time I have left on this earth it just seems logical for me to leave something for the next generation. It's actually odd though, I really do feel good about helping Hannah's brother out back there. Maybe I am actually accepting a role in this family. I don't really have my family to reflect on anymore, just my little sister and I can't really mentor her. Sad thing is, this family isn't an ordinary family, I'm likely going to be in WAY over my head.

* Shawn finds Hannah talking with her mother and her sister. *

Hannah – There you are. Mom, Marissa, you remember my husband Shawn.

Bonnie – Oh do I ever. My daughter sure bagged a good one in you didn't she?

Marissa – Oh what I'd give to just be a year older and give my sister a challenge for you.

Hannah – Good luck with that one sis. This guy is all mine.

Marissa – It's too bad...I'm so far ahead of her compared to when she was my age.

Hannah – Just because you put out for all the boys in high school doesn't mean that you're better at it.

Marissa – Well I guess not everybody can be a prude like you were in high school Hannah. Daddy is very supportive of my extra curriculars.

Shawn – I'm sure he is. He does enjoy his sex doesn't he?

Bonnie – He's not the only one. (winks)

Shawn – Yeah he told me about the dildos and the beads and all that.

Bonnie – Oh those are for him, I like mine real.

Hannah – Gross mom! I can't erase that image from my brain now!

* Right then Alec joins them and slaps Shawn on his ass. *

Alec – I've noticed you haven't gone to the bathroom yet big guy.

Shawn – Oh I've been holding it.

Alec – It's not healthy, holding it in can prevent you from getting an erection when you're older.

Shawn – Is that what happened to you?

Alec – Oh god no, Bonnie can attest to that my boy. (smiles)

* Alec then kisses Bonnie and grabs her ass as Shawn shakes his head in disbelief. *

Alec – By the way Shawn I forgot to ask you something when we were talking before.

Shawn – We were a little busy discussing my sexual performance with your daughter.

Marissa – REALLY?!

Hannah – He's talking about me Marissa, put your pants back on.

Alec – I'd love to give my Bonnie here something great for our anniversary, something that she'd really enjoy and me as well.

Shawn – I'm not seeing where I come into this.

Alec – I'm proposing to you the idea of a threesome tonight. You, me, and Bonnie!

Bonnie – Oh lord!

Hannah – DAD!

Shawn – Whoa! Back up here...

Alec – Just think about it my boy! You and me pushing the boundaries of our sexual desires! Of our appetites! Bonnie as our canvas as we carve out our masterpiece!

* Shawn is clearly gross out of this thought as he's clinching Hannah's hand and pulling her closer to him. *

Shawn – Seriously Alec...this was all funny at first but now it's getting a bit disturbing.

Hannah – Yeah dad you really need to dial it down quite a few notches.

Alec – You're right, maybe I stepped over the line, alcohol is a wonderful thing.

Shawn – It sure is.

Alec – But hey...ya never know...too much of those drinks and you might wind up in a bed not knowing how you got there.

* Alec and Bonnie walk away after Alec once again grabs Shawn's ass. *

Shawn – SERIOUSLY?! Enough with the ass grabbing!

Hannah – Honey I'm so sorry! My dad is such a handful.

Marissa – That's what mom says.

Hannah – Marissa! Gross!

* Marissa starts laughing as she walks away. *

Shawn – Babe I am seriously starting to get nervous, I think your dad might try and rape me! Or roofie me!

Hannah – He's never gone THAT far! But I wouldn't put it past him to try and persuade a blacked out you into having sex with my mother. He tends to do that with all my boyfriends.

Shawn – Your dad has some serious problems.

Hannah – You're telling me, it's not healthy for a father to be whoring out his daughters.

Shawn – If I ever had a daughter she'd never be allowed out of the house! I can only image what would happen if she ever met Ace.

Hannah – Oh lord, that guy would put his penis in anything.

Shawn – Maybe I should give your dad his number haha.

Hannah – I love you.

Shawn – Love you too babe.

* The scene opens up inside Shawn Winters' movie theater portion of his house. He is seated in the back with a remote in his hand watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. *

King Arthur: So be it!

[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]

King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!

King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight: No, it isn't!

King Arthur: Well, what's that then?

Black Knight: I've had worse.

King Arthur: You liar!

Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]

King Arthur: Victory is mine!

[kneels to pray]

King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -

[cut off by the Knight kicking him]

Black Knight: Come on, then.

King Arthur: What?

Black Knight: Have at you!

King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!

Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?

King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!

* Shawn is laughing as he pauses the movie. *

Shawn – HAHAHA now ya see this is what I was expecting when I heard that I was going to be facing Lucas Knight live in my home town of Los Angeles, California on Breakdown. This right here....this is comedy and I was under the impression that all English people were like that, how naive was I? Here I am holding this English masterpiece of Monty Python on a pedestal and out comes Lucas Knight to shatter that perception. How could a country that gave birth to John Cleese and Monty Python have been the birthplace of one Lucas Knight? It's a travesty! We've got Russell Brand running around making people laugh and here is Lucas Knight who could put you to sleep within minutes of opening his mouth. I want him to dance or sing or do something I mean my god, you're an entertainer...why aren't you entertaining? Come down to the ring banging two halves of coconuts together to resemble a horse damn it! You're giving such legends in this film a bad name!

* Shawn reveals that he has a massive dip in his mouth as he grabs an empty water bottle and spits into it. *

Shawn – Some say this is a nasty habit but you know what I say? Life is too short to take out the pleasures of it. Wouldn't you agree Lucas? I've heard that you've taken liberties to explore pleasures that might have been looked down upon am I right? No, no...I won't get into it...I mean really would you even accept the opinion of a man whose on his third marriage? I'd show this movie to your ex-wife Christy but I'd bet she'd die of laughter hahah! Now, all joking aside Lucas, instead of you trying to appear superior to everybody all the time and stand up to me like SO MANY other people have tried, I'd much rather you just say “thank you!” “Thank you Shawn Winters for paving the way for a guy like me to reach the pinnacle of the wrestling world as World Champion! Thank you Shawn Winters for creating such iconic and infamous stables such as Explicit Content and Greaternity for me to copy cat off of and try and create my own legacy that can only be held back by the fact that I forfeited my only World title reign. Thank you Shawn Winters for being the gracious and giving person that you are for allowing me to even stand in the same light as you even if it may be for a couple minutes on Breakdown. And finally thank you Shawn Winters for putting my ex-wife Christy Matthews in her place because the fact is I've been waiting for that bitch to kill herself for months.” Those are the only words that I would like to hear out of your mouth Lucas. You want to try and create a name for yourself by claiming to thrive off competition well your biggest competition isn't David Helms, it isn't Masquerade, it isn't even me, your biggest competition is your own ego.

You see Lucas you have inflated yourself so much over the year plus that you've been in SCW that you honestly believe in your own hype. Sure you've won some awards and you've won some Championships but what's stopping anyone from telling you that you were a failure as a Champion? You Championship reign was a bigger joke than your entire stable. You want to ride my coat-tails and claim to be the best? Well be my guess but don't try to kill yourself the moment somebody knocks you down a peg and puts you in your place.

* Shawn grabs his bottle and spits into it once more. *

Shawn – There is a saying that impersonation is the biggest form a flattery well I beg to differ when it's some worthless piece of crap like you trying to impersonate one of the best if not THE very best that this industry has ever seen. You want to brag about having your Rise to Greatness debut being against CHBK? Wow, chalk one up for the impersonator folks because last I checked I did the exact same thing except I did it before he was getting out of a wheel chair every morning so your little ego boost there is moot. You defeated Thorn for the SCW Championship? Wow...tell me in the last few months who HASN'T beaten Thorn? The guy was a bigger fluke than Greg Cherry's marriage. You stand around inside that ring acting as if you're as tall as the clouds as if you're larger than life because you've got your little band of misfits by your side but the truth is all you are is an ingrate. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you were the one who put this idea of suicide in Christy Matthews head because heaven forbid her ever starting to over shadow the great Lucas Knight.

I mean what is it Lucas that makes you so great? Is it your little English accent? Is that it? Is it the fact that you're from London and you're better than us Americans? Or is it the fact that you can state claim to have never lost the SCW Championship? No see you are none of those things and you have none of those things. You're no better than any American currently waiting in the drive through at a McDonalds nearly having a heart attack before he gets his Big Mac value meal and a diet coke. You lost any intangibles that you ever had the moment you failed to walk down that isle at Gang Rulz last year. Everything that you have stated claim to flew right out the window because no true Champion let's a moment to prove himself go out the window. You won the title and immediately you got scared. You feared that if I lose this title in my first defense I'm going to be the laughing stock of the industry. I was there Lucas...the man that you're trying to impersonate had that happen.

I defeated a man that I have owned for my entire career in Jason Wheeler for the SCW Championship at Highway to Hell in 2009 and what happens at Retribution? I lost the title to your grandpa CHBK only for him to further embarrass himself by losing it to Christian Savior. It was a travesty but you know what Lucas? I faced it like a man. I didn't cower and I didn't hide, I walked down that isle two weeks later and I took that title right back by beating Savior down to within an inch of his life. I went on to successfully defend my Championship against the likes of Christian Savior in a rematch, Asher Hayes, CHBK, I even won Tactical Warfare with Greaternity, I went on to main event Rise to Greatness against James Exeter in what I am proud to admit as being one of the GREATEST matches in this business' history. Lucas you have a LONG way to go before you can even speak your name in the same BREATH as mine let alone any other person to have held the SCW Championship because they at least had the balls to defend it!

Now I could entertain you by pretending to hear any excuses that you may have for not defending your Championship but excuses are just like testicles, when you're getting kicked in them it doesn't matter how many you've got!

* Shawn clicks a button on the remote to get to a certain scene in the movie. *

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...

Sir Robin: No!

Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...

Sir Robin: I didn't!

Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Sir Robin: I never did!

Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.

Sir Robin: Oh, you liars!

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

* Shawn turns off the movie this time with a laughter. *

Shawn – THAT! That right there reminds me of you Lucas...oh the brave Sir Robin retreating whenever the going gets tough! Just like you Lucas...retreating the moment you're World Champion and afraid of being discovered as a fraud! You like to go around swinging a big stick and threatening people with your little group you call Infamous but the truth is Lucas...with your own history of actions you're no longer the one to make threats, you're simply reduced to promises.

So come Breakdown, when I embarrass you and expose you as the fraud that you are...feel free to scamper on back to your own country and watch Riding the Lightning on Pay Per View as I take your place because I'm sure I won't have anything better to do because last I knew Christy Matthews was giving herself enough rope to hang herself with it. (smirks) Enjoy these last few moments Lucas because they'll be the last ones that you have to feel confident about.

* The scene fades to black. *