One Man Scandal
Shawn Winters

Worst Type of Person

Thursday May 26th, 2001

It has been nearly two weeks since I found out that Hannah was pregnant. It has been nearly two weeks since I had last spoken to her. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm a coward. Running away from the biggest responsibility of ones life. I'm running away from being a father, a husband, and even a human being. Do I even have feelings anymore? A heart? Emotions? Or am I just a robot wondering around doing whatever he feels interesting without any sort of connection? Well for me to figure this out I'm going to have to go back, all the way back to a past that I've deeply buried into my psyche. This is going to be painful but in order for me to figure out where I'm at I'm going to have to rediscover where I came from.

* The scene shows Shawn Winters driving his car down the street revealing some shops with many of them having signs in the windows saying: “Go Louisville Cardinals!” Shawn is back in his birthplace of Louisville, Kentucky. Where he began a life that resulted in him inevitably becoming the “One Man Scandal” Shawn Winters. The icon to some and the worst possible human being to more. He pulls up to a large house and parks his car in the street not leaving it. He simply looks out the window. The mailbox reads: “Winters”. It's his childhood home, where his mother, father, and little sister live. The mother and father that hasn't spoken to him since ruining his brothers wedding in 2009. Not only did he ruin it but he apparently was the cause of his fiancee's suicide. They've never forgiven him for that and nor should they. *

Shawn – There it is. Home sweet home. I remember throwing a football around in that front yard with my brother. I remember walking down those stairs going to prom in high school. I remember walking down those stairs as I moved out and into the dorms at Louisville University. All those memories are overshadowed by the one of me leaving for the last time with a smile on my face as I told my brother Marcus' fiancee Katie that I lied to her about still loving her and that I just wanted to ruin her life. That image of her breaking down into tears and running away will forever be my cemented image of this place. Do I have the courage to actually go up to the door?

* Right then the front door opens up as Shawn ducks down into his car. Shawn slowly peaks up to see who it was. It's Shawn's little sister Brooke. For whatever reason she has always looked up to Shawn, even to this day. The one member of his family that still speaks to him. Shawn sits back up as Brooke walks down the driveway towards the mail box. She stops as she has seemingly noticed Shawn. She gets a huge smile on her face and runs towards the car as Shawn rolls down his window. She leaps through the window and gives Shawn a hug. *

Brooke – You beautiful bastard! It's been too long!

Shawn – Yeah well your big bro isn't really welcome around these parts anymore. I'm pretty sure this town disowns me.

Brooke – That is actually true. What are you doing here? Stalking us? Haha.

Shawn – Not entirely. Get in, we'll go for a ride.

* Brooke hops around to the passenger side of the car before getting in. Shawn drives off. *

Brooke – If you came back to speak to mom and dad good luck. They won't even speak of your name in the house. Whenever I call you I have to lie to them who I'm on the phone with.

Shawn – Yeah I would expect as much.

Brooke – They've taken down all of your pictures and everything. It's like you don't even exist to them anymore.

Shawn – Oh I exist, I'm just like that secret of an abortion that they never want to talk about.

Brooke – I've missed you Shawn. I miss helping you get yourself into trouble haha.

Shawn – It's funny how trouble seems to follow me around isn't it? Haha.

Brooke – It doesn't follow you as much as you follow it.

Shawn – You know me too well Brooke. Sometimes I wish you didn't.

Brooke – So...spill it. What are you doing here?

Shawn – You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Brooke – You'd be surprised what I'd believe from you Shawn. You're not as secretive and guarded as you think.

Shawn – (sigh) I guess you're right. Well...Hannah's pregnant.

Brooke – I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you're not hear to rekindle a relationship with mom and dad so they can meet their future grandchild?

Shawn – Stop being right.

Brooke – I'm a Winters, I'm always right. You taught me that haha.

Shawn – Haha, yeah I'm arrogant in that way.

Brooke – So, what's the deal?

Shawn – Well...I sort of haven't spoken to or seen my wife since.

Brooke – Oh jesus Shawn. What did you do find out she was pregnant and leave?

* Shawn is silent. Brooke then punches Shawn in the arm. *

Brooke – You are too damn predictable!

Shawn – It seems like that lately.

Brooke – So what, you're just going to get a divorce again? Isn't that your routine? Marry somebody get them pregnant and dump their ass the moment they get fat?

Shawn – Pretty much yeah.

Brooke – So you're going to divorce her too?

Shawn – I don't know.

Brooke – Are you going to wait it out to see how fat she gets? You know that after she has the baby she'll lose the fat!

Shawn – You don't know that! What if it's a fat baby?! Do you know the damage that it could do coming out?! Hannah will never be the same after that demon child gets born.

Brooke – Demon child it will be I'm sure. Do you even know if she wants it?

Shawn – I don't know.

Brooke – Dude, so she could totally be open for an abortion and you don't even know?!

Shawn – Like I said...haven't talked to her.

Brooke – How many times has she called you?

Shawn – Well, she called me all night the night that I left.

Brooke – Where'd you go? A bar?

Shawn – You should seriously be on Jeopardy or something.

Brooke – What is a bar? Haha.

Shawn – (smiles) Exactly. I went to a bar and got stupid drunk and crashed in a hotel room.

Brooke – Were you alone?

Shawn – Yes I was drinking alone.

Brooke – Not what I meant Shawn.

Shawn – Anyways she called me the next couple days after but she kind of stopped calling.

Brooke – Yeah, I'd of stopped calling too.

Shawn – Gee thanks Brooke.

Brooke – What? You can't have your cake and eat it too! You don't want to talk to her but you want her to want to talk to you! You can't have it both ways Shawn. Eventually she'll give up and just wait for you to call her or heaven forbid go home.

Shawn – Damn it Brooke don't you think I realize that? That's why I'm here. I need to figure out what my problem is. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have a happy marriage? Why can't I want to have a kid? It's like I'm programmed a certain way and for whatever reason the programer fell asleep on the days he was supposed to insert those. It's like I'm not a complete human.

Brooke – This isn't going to work Shawn. I'm not going to feel sorry for you. You brought this all on yourself, you always have. You're creating mountains out of mole hills here. This isn't as big of a problem as you think it is. You're just afraid of the confrontation which is why you're postponing it as long as you can hoping that the baby will go away and you can go home and be like: “Hey Honey, JUST KIDDING!!!” It doesn't work that way Shawn. Life doesn't work that way.

Shawn – Jesus how old are you?! You're like a wise old Buddha!

Brooke – It's not nice to call your little sister fat Shawn.

Shawn – Oh shut your mouth!

* Brooke laughs. *

Brooke – So what are you going to do?

Shawn – The only thing that I can do.

Brooke – Go home and talk to your wife?

Shawn – No, figure out why this whole thing started.

Brooke – Well Shawn you see when a man and a woman love each other or are just really horny they-

Shawn - Oh my god you're not doing this right now! Haha.

Brooke – Haha...alright I'll entertain your knowledge for a second. How are you going to figure out how it started?

* Shawn is silent. Seconds later Brooke figures it out. *

Brooke – NO! Shawn, I'm telling you right now don't do it!

* Shawn is silent still. *

Brooke – Shawn I'm serious, if you're going to do what I think you're going to do it's not going to go very well! Are you seriously going to see Angie?!

Shawn – That was the plan yeah.

Brooke – Oh god Shawn, you can't do this.

Shawn – I need to figure out why I left Angie because maybe then I can figure out why I left Nora the same way and why I'm doing this to Hannah right now. It just makes sense.

Brooke – Sure it makes sense in that drugged out brain of yours! Seriously, did you suffer some sort of mental damage in that match with Christy Matthews? Did you lose too much blood or something? Because you're clearly not in the right frame of mind right now.

Shawn – I'm fine, considering I'm in Louisville, Kentucky running away from my pregnant wife.

Brooke – Why can't you just be normal?

Shawn – Why can't turtles masterbate? See I can ask stupid questions too.

* Brooke smirks a bit before shaking her head. *

Brooke – So are you going there now? Are you going to take me with you? Because I'd love to see her slap the taste out of your mouth when you ring the doorbell. OH OH! What if your son answers the door?! Is it going to be like some sort of evolution story?! Like a monkey into a man?! What if he knows who you are and he punches you right in the junk?! Oh my god please let me come with you!

* Right then Shawn stops the car as he's back at their house. Brooke looks out the window. *

Brooke – OH COME ON!

Shawn – You could have a little less fun with this you know that right?

Brooke – People's misery is my fun haha.

Shawn – Oh my god you're like a little me!

Brooke – I tried my best!

Shawn – Go home kid.

* Shawn and Brooke hug once more. Brooke gets out of the car and walks towards the house before looking back at Shawn. *

Brooke – In all seriousness Shawn...if you think you're going to find the answer with Angie the only thing you're going to find is more pain.

Shawn – Bye Brooke.

* Brooke waves as she walks away and Shawn drives off. He passes by some more houses. *

How is it that Brooke can read me like an open book? I've tried to hard at keeping myself guarded. Keeping myself shielded and yet she's just able to read me like the back of her hand. Maybe it's just because she's so much like me she knows how I think and knows how I act. One way or another I've got to figure this out and I've got to figure it out fast.

* Shawn stops at a house. The mailbox reads: “Rose”. It's his first ex-wife Angie's house. His high school sweet heart. The woman he proposed to in College. The woman he was cheating on with Katie. The woman he divorced while pregnant. The woman he abandoned to pursue his career in professional wrestling. He stares at the house. *

Shawn – What if Brooke is right? What if this is just one big mistake? How am I going to know if I don't go up to that door and knock on it? How am I going to go up to that door to begin with? I'm more of a coward than I thought. Damn it Shawn!

* Shawn slaps himself in the face. *

Shawn – Don't think like that. What's the worse that could happen? She has a gun and shoots me? Jesus, that is the worst that could happen. I'm going to need to get some confidence.

* Shawn drives off. *

* It is now 11:00 at night and a taxi stops in front of Angie's house. Out stumbles a drunk Shawn Winters as he hands the taxi some money. *

Shawn – Keep it running, this might not go well.

* Shawn stumbles up to the front door of the house. They still have a light on outside so somebody must be awake. Shawn then knocks on the door. He turns around to gather his thoughts. *

Shawn – God I hope my son doesn't answer the door. Talk about awkward. “Hey son that I abandoned I forget how many years ago, is your mom home so I can ask her for help so I don't abandon another child? What? No it doesn't mean I love it more, it means I love her more than your mom.”

* Shawn turns around to see Angie standing in the door with her arms crossed. *

Shawn – (smiles) Hi!

* Angie slaps him across the face. *

Shawn – I deserve that.

* Angie walks out onto the porch closing the door behind her. *

Angie – What the hell are you doing here?!

Shawn – I came here to see you.

Angie – Are you drunk?! Jesus Christ what is wrong with you? I should of known this would happen after I got your message two weeks ago. Seriously Shawn, grow up!

Shawn – I left you a message?

Angie – Dear God, please prevent me from hurting this man...sit down.

* Angie motions towards a bench on her porch. They both sit. *

Angie – Shawn what are you doing here? Seriously?!

Shawn – he home?

Angie – No, he's sleeping over at a friends house. Don't you dare tell me you're here to meet your son! Don't you dare!

Shawn – No, it's not like that.

* Shawn now gets some clarity as he sighs and thinks about what he is here for. *

Shawn – Does he know me? Like, does he know that I'm his father?

Angie – Of course. I'm not going to lie to my child because his father is an asshole. He knows exactly who you are and exactly how you left us.

Shawn – does he hate me?

Angie – No...(sigh) no, he doesn't hate you. He doesn't know you. The fact is if he knew you, he'd love you. You're an easy guy to love Shawn. However you're also an easy guy to hate.

Shawn – Yeah I've kind of came to terms with that in my own way.

Angie – So, seriously, you clearly didn't come here to catch up on old times. What are you doing here?

* Right then Shawn notices a ring on Angie's finger. *

Shawn – remarried?

Angie – Not that it's any of your business but yes.

Shawn – Wow...I...

Angie – What? Did you think that I couldn't ever possibly find someone better than the great Shawn Winters? Trust me, I could go to the park and bump into 100 right now.

Shawn – 100? At 11 at night? Ouch, that hurts.

Angie – Don't even act like that effects you. The truth is I didn't think I'd ever marry again. I kind of lost faith in it thanks to you.

Shawn – Yeah...I deserve that too.

Angie – Damn right you do. Now, are we seriously going to sit out here all night or are you going to tell me what you're doing on my doorstep at 11 o'clock drunk?

Shawn – It's about my wife, Hannah.

Angie – A third marriage? Really Shawn? Going down this road again. This road you're going down is filled with pot holes that you've left. It's a complete disaster because you can't sustain anything in your life!

Shawn – Am I damaged?

Angie – Oh my god yes, you've got issues that you're not even conscious of.

Shawn – I don't get it, I keep repeating things like it's some sort of routine. If I change now it'll be like taking a shit after getting out of the shower. My whole life will be in a flux and out of it's routine.

Angie – As pretty of an image that is, you need to change one way or the other. You can't be an asshole 100% of the time.

Shawn – If I'm such a horrible person why does Hannah love me? Why did you love me? Why did Nora love me?

Angie – (sigh) Sadly, women are stupid. They like projects, guys that they can build. Believe it or not Shawn there is something redeemable in you. I know because I've personally seen it. Before you were all Shawn Winters the One Man Scandal, you were just Shawn Winters a guy marrying his high school sweet heart. Hannah must have seen a glimpse of that man at one point or another otherwise I doubt she'd stick around. Unless she's just in it for the money.

Shawn – I did blame her of that when I found out she was pregnant.

Angie – Jesus Shawn, do you even have a heart anymore?

Shawn – I think so, it's just smaller than my penis.

Angie – Then it must be pretty damn small then.

Shawn – Ouch, could you stop with the hating for like 10 seconds?!

Angie – Shawn...(sigh) what do you want from me? You come here knocking on my door at 11 at night drunk telling me you got married again and your wife is pregnant? What are you even doing here?

* Shawn drops his head into his lap. *

Angie – God damn it Shawn, please tell me you didn't...tell me you didn't just leave her?!

Shawn – Well I'm not exactly in LA right now am I?

* Angie slaps Shawn across the face again. Shawn holds his cheek for a second only for Angie to slap him again. *

Angie – You are the worst type of person!!! What is wrong with you?!

Shawn – That's what I'm trying to figure out! I don't know why I keep doing this! I destroyed our relationship while you were pregnant, what I did to Nora or what happened to Nora could be argued as worse. Now here I am in Louisville while my wife is I'm assuming at home pregnant and probably scared.

Angie – Assume? Jesus you haven't even talked to her have you?!

Shawn – No!! She told me she was pregnant and I freaked out blamed her for doing it on purpose to get my money and I left....I haven't spoken to her since.

Angie – When?

Shawn – What?

Angie – When did this happen?

Shawn – Two weeks ago.

Angie – So your wife or should I just go ahead and say ex-wife is pregnant and you just up and left her at home without even a word?

Shawn – She's still my wife.

Angie – You think so? Really? If you're not divorcing her I'm praying to God she divorces you! Next thing you know the baby will come and you'll run away again! For once in your life could you just be a man and own up to your own issues and confront them? Stop looking to everybody else to do things for you. You're a grown man, it's time to act like one.

Shawn – I own up to my issues just fine alright!

Angie – You own up to them sure, but do you confront them? Or do you just let them sit and grow bigger with each passing hour?

Shawn – Listen, I don't know what to say Angie. I'm broken. For whatever reason I am just utterly terrified of being a father. I have broken my back, I have broken my body, and yet I have succeeded in everything that I have done and yet nothing has scared me more than the idea of loving someone unconditionally and being a father. What if I attempt this and fail? I'll be exactly what my father thinks of me, a failure of a man. All my accomplishments, all of my awards, trophies all of them mean jack shit when you've failed as a father. What if it's a girl? A father's one job is to keep her off the stripper pole and I'm already half way there since I own a strip club!

Angie – (sigh) Shawn you're not winning any father of the year awards as it is. You're already a father...a non-existent one but biologically a father none the less. The way I see it is you can't get any worse at it. So from here on out you'll be considered a success as long as you don't abandon them like you have done so effortlessly before.

Shawn – I...I guess you have a point. I've already abandoned Alex and killed another. Just sticking through it this time would be considered a success.

Angie –'re not as bad as you try and make yourself out to be. You're human, you're not a God, you're not some sort of legend that can't be tarnished. You're're Shawn Winters and with that comes all of your Championships and your awards, but also comes your mistakes and your baggage. One of those you can change and I'm not talking about winning more Championships and awards. You've just got to confront them and eventually you'll get past them.

Shawn – But you think I'm that bad of a person.

Angie – Not entirely. It's been a long time since our divorce Shawn. Like I are redeemable and I think that's what people see in you. The thing is I feel like you try extra hard to make that go away. As long as I'm alive you'll always have me to look back to knowing that you weren't always so bad. People can change and you are no exception.

Shawn – Do you think so?

Angie – Yes Shawn...I know so. The truth is with everything that you've done in your life and in mine I'll always have this place in my heart for you.

Shawn – Thanks Angie.

Angie – Changing won't be easy. It's not going to happen over night and I suggest you not try to make it otherwise you'll turn into a massive hypocrite which I know you hate. You can still be that fun loving asshole that you love to be but you've got to learn to be a husband and a father along with it. By going and looking your wife eye to eye and telling her that you're not going to run away again will be the biggest step forward that you could possibly take.

Shawn – You're right. I knew coming to you would help me straighten things out.

Angie – You're welcome Shawn. I just hope you take my words to heart. I also hope you remember this conversation in the morning.

Shawn – Trust me I'll remember.

* Shawn stands up as Angie follows. *

Shawn – And just so you know...I'll always have a place in my heart for you as well.

Angie – (smiles) Well with that small heart of yours I'll take whatever space I can get. The rent I hear is horrible.

* Shawn laughs a bit. *

Shawn – Thanks Angie.

* Angie smiles and nods as her and Shawn share a hug. They kiss each other on the cheek before Shawn heads back towards the taxi that has waited for him. Angie opens her door before watching Shawn get into the cab. They both wave to each other before the taxi drives off and Angie goes inside. *

It's insane how a woman that I always held such animosity towards was actually the person I needed to straighten me out. I now know that I don't need to change over night. All I need to do is just be there and I can still be my own little asshole self. That's such a relief because no matter what I'll be improving as a father from here. I can't get much worse.

* The scene opens up with a set of Jeopardy. We see Shawn Winters standing in front of a podium with a really fake gray mustache on and a cheap looking suit. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Welcome back everyone to Supreme Championship Wrestling Jeopardy and it's time for Double Jeopardy. Currently in last place with negative 1800 dollars we have Greg Cherry.

* The camera pans over to reveal Ace Marshall dressed up like Greg Cherry. *

Ace (As Greg) – I may have lost that money like I lost my family however I'm guaranteed to get it back. I'll stop at nothing in order to get this money back. I've lost a lot of things Trebek...I mean a lot of things. The SCW Championship, my man hood, my dignity, my-

Shawn (As Trebek) – Oh shut up! In second place with negative 1500 dollars is Christy Matthews.

* The camera pans over to reveal Charlie dressed up like Christy Matthews with a rope around her neck and bandages all over her arms. *

Charlie (As Christy) – Oh my god, I don't think I can handle another failure.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Well Christy if it makes you feel any better you're not the failure that is Greg Cherry. At least not yet.

Charlie (As Christy) – Oh thank God, so you still think that I have a little bit of rope left?

* Christy Matthews lifts up the other end of the rope. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Oh you still have enough to hang yourself with trust me. Finally in first place with zero dollars because he once again has failed to show up, Jake Starr.

* The camera shows an empty podium with Jake Starr's name on it. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – It seems that once again Jake Starr was too afraid to compete here tonight. Now let's take a look at our categories.

* The camera shows each category as Shawn reads them. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – “Famous Quotes”, “Things Longer Than 8 Inches”, “My Wife's a Stupid Bitch”, “People Whose Last Name is Cherry”, “Things Located in Katie Stewards Pants”, “Taking Hold of the Flame Battle Royal Winners”, and finally “SCW Champions”.

* The camera pans back to Shawn Winters at his podium. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Alright so since Jake Starr is currently in the lead the board will be his so Jake Starr what is your category?

* The camera shows the empty podium that is Jake Starr's. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – (mockingly)What is that you say Jake? You're too afraid to speak up to me? Oh I get it because I'm so intimidating? Right, right, it's the mustache isn't it? I can understand why you'd feel this way. Alright so I shall choose a category for the cowardly Jake Starr. Let's go with “My Wife's a Stupid Bitch” for 400. The answer is: “She's fucking pregnant!”

* Right then Greg Cherry rings in. *

Ace (As Greg) – What is congratulations you're going to be a father?

Shawn (As Trebek) – WRONG you idiot! Nobody is happy to have a child you moron. Having a child is the worst possible out come of sex weren't you ever taught that in sex ed?

* Right then Christy Matthews rings in. *

Charlie (As Christy) – What is going to be more successful than me?

Shawn (As Trebek) – WRONG!, apparently our judges are saying that they'll let it slide. Funny how that seemed to happen at Riding the Lightning too. I suppose people don't want to have your blood on their hands Christy.

Charlie (As Christy) – I bleed a lot.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Well Christy with that disgusting visual it's your board. Choose a category.

Charlie (As Christy) – Give me things larger than 8 inches.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Christy stop hitting on me oh right that's a category. Let's go for 800. The answer is “12 inches and made of wood”.

* Right than Greg Cherry rings in. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Greg Cherry?

Ace (As Greg) – What is a ruler?

Shawn (As Trebek) – Nope! That answer is clearly wrong. Jake Starr did you have something to say? Oh yeah that's right you're still not here. It's amazing how that keeps slipping my mind. Maybe one day he'll actually show up to defend himself.

* Right then Christy Matthews rings in. *

Charlie (As Christy) – What is a shank?

Shawn (As Trebek) – Wrong! Get death off of you mind for 2 seconds woman! We were looking for “Shawn Winters' Penis!”

* Right then Charlie and Ace start laughing clearly breaking character. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Stop it! It's like the holy grail! That thing is magical! Not to mention 12 inches and made of wood. Anyways, Christy Matthews the board is still yours. Choose a category.

Charlie (As Christy) – Let's go with Famous Quotes for 600.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Alright let's do this. Famous Quotes woo. Alright the quote is: “I'm a huge pussy and scared of Shawn Winters”.

* Christy Matthews rings in. *

Charlie (As Christy) – Who is Greg Cherry?

Shawn (As Trebek) – WRONG!

Ace (As Greg) – Nope, that's right I say it every morning.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Damn it Greg, the answer we were looking for was “Who is Jake Starr?” What's that Jake? Did you have something to say? Another great quote to put up on the board maybe?

* The camera shows an empty podium once again. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – That's what I thought. Stay home you little bitch. Greg it's your board take a shot in the dark story of your career right?

Ace (As Greg) – Let's go with, “People whose last name is Cherry” for 1000.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Alright the answer is: “The gutsiest person in the world.”

* Greg gets a smile on his face before ringing in. *

Ace (As Greg) – Who is Greg Cherry? I'll take same category for-

Shawn (As Trebek) – WRONG!

Ace (As Greg) – What? You've clearly must be misinformed. I have the most guts in the world going out in front of sold out crowds sucking each and every night. It takes guts to show my face to that many people.

Charlie (As Christy) – He's right and I know what it's like to show my face in public. It can be really embarrassing.

Shawn (As Trebek) – This isn't a confessional if you want a confession go to church or find a small child a priest is bound to be near. We were looking for: “Who is Ashley Cherry?”

Ace (As Greg) – Why does Ashley have more guts than me?

Shawn (As Trebek) – That woman has to have guts in order to have sex with you Greg. She's braver than any woman I've ever know. If she's willing to lay under you for those 30 seconds and actually keep her eyes open then she deserves a Nobel Peace Prize because she's keeping a future rapist off the streets.

Ace (As Greg) – I'm not a rapist!

Shawn (As Trebek) – Really? Really? You want to try and lie to me now? Honestly? That's the story that you're going with?

Ace (As Greg) – Yes!

Shawn (As Trebek) – I remember a certain manager of the great Shawn Winters, Charlie being raped by you Greg Cherry. That was what? Just weeks after you lost your wife? She's been gone for a while I can only imagine how many other women you've forced yourself on. No means no.

Charlie (As Christy) – I agree, that Charlie girl was a nice clean virgin before Greg forced himself on her.

Shawn (As Trebek) – (muffles a laugh) Shut your mouth Christy nobody wants to hear your stupid pro choice rants!

Charlie (As Christy) – Pro Choice?

Shawn (As Trebek) – Oh I'm just assuming you're for killing children since you're all about killing yourself. Clearly selfish acts aren't beyond you. Anyways let's get back to the game shall we? Jake Starr it's your board. Oh wait what's that? You're still not here? That's right Jake Starr once again letting down the three fans that he has. It's a shame really, every day that goes by his career becomes as fake as my mustache. (smirks) Let me just go ahead and pick a category for him. Let's go with: “Things located in Katie Stewards' Pants” for 200. The answer is: “Head”.

* Christy Matthews rings in. *

Charlie (As Christy) – What is a headless woman?

Shawn (As Trebek) – You are seriously depressing me.

* Greg Cherry rings in. *

Ace (As Greg) – What is Shawn Winters' Penis?

Shawn (As Trebek) – No...just no.

Ace (As Greg) – It was right before!

Shawn (As Trebek) – The answer we were looking for was: “What is Katie Steward's?” Because her head is completely up her ass.

* Greg Cherry and Christy Matthews look at each other confused. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – Shut up this is clearly too high class for you two. Let's go to another category. Let's go SCW Champions for 800. The answer is: “The Biggest Failure as SCW Champion”.

* Greg Cherry rings in right away. *

Ace (As Greg) – OH OH that's easy. Who is Greg Cherry? I was an awful Champion.

Shawn (As Trebek) – As hard as it is for me to admit you are wrong Greg. A VERY close second however. Christy do you have a shot? Wait nevermind I don't want to hear you take the term shot into you trying to shoot yourself. The answer we were looking for was: “Who is David Helms?” David Helms clearly the biggest failure as SCW Champion because he lost the title to one Greg Cherry. So there you go Greg you at least have that going for you. It's hard to argue such a pathetic showing by an SCW Champion. Now I've just been told that we've got time for one more category so let's go ahead and go with “Taking Hold of the Flame Battle Royal Winners” for 400. The answer is: “The most successful Taking Hold of the Flame Battle Royal Winner.”

* Greg Cherry rings in. *

Ace (As Greg) – Why do you have to flatter me Trebek? The answer is “Who is Greg Cherry?”

Shawn (As Trebek) – BOOO! Jesus Greg nobody's going to fall for that.

Ace (As Greg) – But I'm a four time World Champion and the longest reigning US Champion in history.

Shawn (As Trebek) – Stop making things up Greg nobody is going to feel sorry for you. It's really just getting pathetic. Well actually it was pathetic 3 years ago because we've been watching the same program since then. Christy Matthews do you wanna try?

* The camera cuts to Christy Matthews who is hanging from the noose that was around her neck. *

Shawn (As Trebek) – I was wondering why she was so quiet. The answer we were looking for was: “Who is Shawn Winters?”

Ace (As Greg) – But Shawn hasn't won the Battle Royal!

Shawn (As Trebek) – It's already in the books Greg look it up. Already posted under “SPOILER WARNINGS!!!” Shawn Winters main eventing Rise to Greatness like he rightfully should be.

Ace (As Greg) – No that's not possible because I'm going to figure out a way to get back into the battle royal and win it back to back years and then maybe my wife will love me!

Shawn (As Trebek) – Stop it, just stop it. You're clearly just making things up right now. Nobody believes that your wife will actually love you. Now my judges are telling me we will not be able to do final jeopardy considering one of our contestants is dead, one never showed up, and the other is just plain incompetent. So until next time, I'm Alex Trebek!

* The scene fades to black with an SCW logo in the bottom corner as Shawn Winters just smirks. *